A tough trip

I have just finished my first chartered cruise, and it was quite, well, the experience. I thought I’d do a little daily diary so you can see just how last week went for me.

13th July 2023 - Malta to Bristol

10:10 Today I am disembarking P&O Azura (not the chartered cruise), to head home. I will arrive into Bristol at around 2:30am tonight (14th July), and then when I wake up, I have just one day at home that I’m going to spend repacking some things but mostly hanging out with my lovely wife. I’m looking forward to it!

13:30 I have just received a message from the cruise director on the chartered cruise. He said that the cruise is being chartered for one month by the a Royal Family. I’m not going to say which one, but let’s just say they are unfathomably rich. I have just looked up the cruise today and it is incredibly posh. One I have never heard of before. So the Royal family have hired this cruise for one month, just for them and their 50 family members. Wow! The cruise director has informed me that there are 15 children on board and that I have to do a kids show. WHAT?! I haven’t done a kids show in about 20 years. It’s just not what I do. So I need to try and brainstorm some stuff and figure this out. Or I adapt my show to make it more suitable for a child audience. There are always a few audience participation bits I can do that I used to do in my street shows 20 years ago.

14th July - Bristol

9:30 Just about to pack for the ship. I’ve basically just taken my dirty clothes out and put clean ones in. Everything else can stay there from Azura. 

10:30 Panicking. Just been told from the cruise director that the Prince has just said that if I use a child in the show for a trick, I then have to use all of the children in the show. Apparently, there was another act onboard a few days ago, who only used a couple of the kids in his show as volunteers, and it made the other kids jealous. So now I have to use all or none. I don’t know how to do this. I’ve just sent a message to my mates Sam Veale, Arthur Hyam and Marky Jay, who are the three best children entertainers that I know. I’m awaiting their replies. Also my first show is scheduled for the evening of the 16th July.

15th July - Bristol to Amsterdam to Croatia to Athens

6:00 Alarm goes off.

6:45 Molly drives me to Bristol Airport for my 7:15 flight to Amsterdam. Isn’t she lovely! I only have a 50 minute transfer between flights, so I’ll have to run.

8:15 My flight leaves one hour late. Unless the pilot really steps on it, I’ve missed my next flight. 

12:30 Land in Amsterdam 20 minutes after my flight leaves. Organising new flights. The ship leaves Athens tonight at 01:00. And the only way I can get to the ship this evening is if I take a flight from Amsterdam to Zagreb (Croatia. I’d never heard of it either), and then another flight from Zagreb to Athens. Getting me into Athens at 21:55. 

23:15 Flight lands into Athens late. It’s a 50 minute drive to the cruise terminal, so I just have enough time.

23:30 Realisation that my luggage didn’t arrive. I’ve check my Apple AirTags and my luggage is still in Croatia. The queue for the lost luggage counter is huge. If I declare my lost luggage at the counter, I will miss the ship. I speak to the chief purser on the ship, and she suggest I head to the ship and we’ll sort luggage later.

00:30 I arrive to the ship, 30 minutes before it departs.

16th July - Zakynthos, Greece

8:30 I put a post on the Facebook page Juggling For a Living. I tell the group of reliable and creative professional jugglers my situation. I received many many many helpful comments and pieces of advice about how to put a show on with no props. Use the ships sports equipment. There is none. Balance things on my chin. I can touch the ceiling if I am on tippy toes. At this stage I couldn’t tell them who I was performing for either. There were some great pieces of advice though, and the juggling community are nothing but generous and helpful!

9:30 Meeting with the cruise director. We have postponed my show tonight until tomorrow. Depending on whether I receive my luggage or not. At the moment, my luggage is in Zagreb, Croatia. We are in Zakynthos today until about midnight, and then we are at sea for most of tomorrow until Syracuse, Sicily. The cruise director seems to think we can easily get the luggage sent to Syracuse, and then we can pick it up tomorrow evening, and then maybe I can do a show that night.

15:00 Head onto land to get some essentials. Shorts, t-shirt, toothpaste, deodorant, and crisps.

17th July - At sea until Syracuse, Sicily

9:00 I have just gotten off the phone with the cruise director and he just told me the horrifying news that last night there was a fire at Syracuse airport, and the airport will now be closed for 3 days. This means that I will not be receiving my luggage tonight, or tomorrow. The one airport that I can get my luggage sent, and it’s on fire. 

9:30 Cruise director calls again. I tell him that I am happy to do a juggling workshop with peoples rolled up socks, and that I am happy to put a show together using things that I find. He says that he doesn’t want to make me do a half assed show as it could make the company look bad. So he has taken me off the itinerary for now. So I should just kick back and chill. 

18th July - Syracuse, Sicily

9:30 I chat to the cruise director, and he says that as I am not needed, I can disembark tomorrow in Capri, and take a boat/ferry/canoe/swim (can’t remember what he said) to Naples where I will spend the night, and fly home the next day as planned.

16:00 I find out from KLM (the legends that lost my bags) that as the last flight of the day was with Aegean Airlines, that the responsibility of the lost luggage is with them. Passing the buck. I tried to call Aegean Airlines and none of their numbers work and I can’t get hold of anyone. The people that work in the place that are in charge of giving me my bags, seem to not work there anymore. 

17:00 I receive my flights for the 21st July. The 21st July? Yes, the 21st July. The flights that are booked are a day later than I need to travel. In the same conversation I find out that the ship, and the port agent are now putting the responsibility to find my luggage, onto me. 

18:30 As they need to change the flights anyways, otherwise they’d have to give me two nights in a hotel, which to be honest, right now, I wouldn’t enjoy (I just want to go home!), I suggested to them that they could fly me from Naples to Athens, I could pick up my bags, and then fly Athens to the UK (anywhere in the UK, I don’t care at this point!). 

19:00 The company refuses to change my flight or buy me a new one. I don’t think they’ve understood the situation. I explain it to them again. The penny drops, but just a bit.

20:30 Just received my flights for the 20th July; Naples to Athens (via Rome), and then a 7 hour layover in Athens so I can sort my bags out, before a little flight to Heathrow where I will hopefully be met by my lovely wife. Isn’t she lovely. 

21:00 Last night onboard this ship and I’m gonna live it up. A glass of wine and some room service please. Click Click!

19th July 2023

9:00 Packed up my things and had a lovely espresso on the balcony with some fruit. We will be pulling into Capri at about 14:00 where I will then make my way to Naples for the night.

11:30 Just received an email saying that I will not be able to disembark today, because immigration isn’t open. This means I have ANOTHER day on the ship, and they will have to change the flights and the hotel again. I’m not even sure if I will be able to disembark at all in Capri. Who knows?!

16:00 Received new flights (which they’ve now agreed to pay for). I will be disembarking the ship tomorrow at 16:00. Taking a ferry to Naples, then going straight to Naples Airport to flight to Rome, then Rome to Athens, arriving in Athens at 00:50. My aim is to collect my bags then before I go to the hotel for the night. My flight from Athens to London isn’t until 19:00 the next day, but if I get get my bags as soon as I arrive, I’m going to book an early morning flight to Bristol. Let’s see what happens.

20th July 2023

11:45 Start packing my things, and get ready for immigration at 12:10. After immigration, I can come back to the ship to pack my final bits, not that I have much! So I’m planning on staying out for a nice plate of pasta before heading back. My pick up isn’t until 16:00

12:10 Take a boat (boat number 1) to the land, where I will meet the immigration officer to get my passport stamped. 

12:30 Arrive on land. Immigration officer isn’t there. Luckily I took the same boat as the Italian speaking cruise director who was about to go for a run. He speaks to the local fuzz. He says I have to go to the immigration office which is just under 3 miles away, or I can take the funicular. So I have to queue to get a ticket, go up the funicular (like a train type thing but up a hill), walk 10 minutes, then go to immigration station. Brilliant. 

13:10 Arrive at the immigration office, and randomly see the cruise director there (he ran up!). We go inside, he does his Italian thing (speaking it), and there are lots of muscly police men in there with guns. We are told to wait. We rightly do what we are told. They had guns!

13:30 I go into the office to get my passport stamped and for them to see my paper work, but at the same time my phone is buzzing and buzzing over and over again. I can’t answer cos I’m in with the tough guys.

13:45 Passport stamped. I return the calls, and it is the port immigration agent who is looking for me to take me to exactly where I am now. Too late mate. Already done it mate. 

13:50 Head back down the funicular and make my way back to the ship by boat (boat number 2)

14:15 Pack up all of my stuff. This takes about 45 seconds because, as you know, I have no stuff. Then head back onto land for some lunch by boat (boat number 3)

14:45 Get some well deserved pasta and have a read. Peace! La dolce vita!

16:00 I get on the ferry from Capri to Naples (boat number 4)

17:00 Get in a car to the airport with a man that I believe was the inspiration for the game Mario Kart. Put it this way, I farted more than I blinked for the entire journey. 

19:45 About to fly Naples to Rome where I have a 62 minute transfer between flights. 

20:15 Flight leaves late. Looks like I’ll be running on the other side.

21:15 I run like a mad man through the airport. Batting Italian kids out of the way like fleas off a dog.

21:45 Just make it to my gate moments before they close it. I made it!

21st July 2023

01:00 Land in Athens. Let’s get my bags!

03:00 After two hours of queueing, I’ve been told I can’t get my bags until 08:00. That’s just super cool. I love that.

03:30 Check into the hotel. At the moment my flight tomorrow was booked of 19:00 to London Heathrow. I’ve just seen there is a 11:00 flight direct to Bristol. I’ve optimistically booked it thinking I will grab my bags in the morning.

07:00 Wake up feel anything but rested

07:15 Head to the airport. 

07:45 Try and head “backstage” at the airport, but obviously refused. After some begging pleading and fluttering of eye lashes at the info desk, they let me go through to collect my luggage.

08:00 I meet someone in a high vis jacket who says they will collect my luggage, and they say “wait there”. 

08:20 I see the high vis’d person take off their authoritative jacket, and walk out of the airport eating a sandwich

08:55 I asked one of the bag handlers if he has seen this luggage (I show him a photo). I follow him. And he takes me right to my little luggagy kids! He says to me “it’s always the baggage handlers that save the day”. He really did. The most under-rated super hero. 

The rest of the story isn’t very interesting (the rest?!), as I just checked in my luggage and boarded the flight home. At the time of writing this I am now on the plane the Bristol and I am cream crackered beaten and battered knackered. I started travelling professionally 16 years ago at the age of 18, and I have never had a trip with so many issues in all my life! Now, home. 

Well that’s my chartered cruise story. I finished writing that a few days ago, and only just got around to posting it today, as you can see. At the time of writing I am now in Cromer, Norfolk, where I will remain for the next 6 weeks as I’m the guest act in the Cromer Pier show.

Over the next 6 weeks I have 51 shows. I can’t wait! The first one is tonight. I’ll do my best at trying to keep you posted.

Bye for now!